I have come to the realization that I may be the worst blogger ever. I had intended to blog about once a week about my experiences with pain and pain management and its effects on mine and my family’s lives. At first it was cathartic and enjoyable to relive God’s grace to us during this time of healing after 10 years of feeling like we were wandering in the wilderness. As I delved further into our story, it soon became emotionally exhausting to deal with the hurt, guilt and shame looking in the mirror on that time table. I don’t handle guilt and shame well, hiding from it at all cost so the writing had to stop. I also don’t do well with obligations. If writing is something I do in my free time for enjoyment then great, but I had made it into an obligation on top of all of life’s other responsibilities so I have avoided it. My deepest apologies to both of my readers.
As we are quickly approaching two years since our redemptive stay at the Cleveland Clinic, I am still in awe at the work of grace God did and continues to do in our family. All of our problems and struggles are far from fixed and life can still be hard but we have better tools to fall back on.
It has been two years since I have been on any pain meds for my chronic back pain and more days than not, I feel like a new man physically. The doctors in Cleveland said it would take at least a year before my brain could heal itself and be back to normal (well, Kathy would tell you that normal is a relative term). They were so right. It really took that long for my brain to begin to really respond to my pain in a relatively normal way and to clear out of the fog of 8 or so years of strong drugs.
My past has been catching up with me lately and the last year or so has still been a daily struggle. One (and by “one” I mean me) does not just immediately quit the bad habits acquired over 10 years and begin walking the straight and narrow having cast off the things that hinder you. I equate breaking bad habits with the Christian life which is filled with peaks and valleys of times you feel closer to God and others so far away. (Remembering always that he has never left and is always pursuing you is the key.)
They say that habits can be changed in 21 days. My problem remains that I am an excellent starter, but terrible at follow through so changing a bad habit can take a multitude of failed starts. I am so thankful I am blessed with an excellent spouse, Kathy, who puts up with all of this shouldering this heavy load with me.
I came to the humbling realization this week that either I am a terrible listener when it comes to her or terrible at discerning what is important to her. (Possibly both…hush Kathy, I can hear you mumbling or snickering) You see, I know there are things I do well when it comes to our family, but Kathy possesses an incredible barometer for our emotional and spiritual wellbeing. My problem is sometimes I have trouble correctly reading the barometer until the alarm sounds (and by alarm I mean sometimes it takes her well placed foot).
Two years later we are back in the gym working out at her prompting and leading. I would never have thought it possible before Cleveland and am grateful for the ability to do it. After three weeks, I can feel the strength and energy returning and actually having pain from having accomplished something. Who would have thought I would ever be thankful for sore muscles. One bad habit hopefully being on its way out the window, but I always know that because it feels like an obligation it will be hard.
So, not only am I the worst blogger ever with respect to frequency, but I have rambled. Again, my sincerest apologies to you both.
I might blog later.